Sitting here eating my heart out waiting

As I stare into cyberspace on this sunny California autumn afternoon, a barrage of unanswered questions vexes me...

• Whatever happened to Melissa Joan Hart? After seemingly infinite seasons of Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch (or, as it should have been retitled by the end of its run, Sabrina the Pushing-Thirty Witch), she pretty well dropped off the face of the pop culture map.
  
  
• Do those two women of ambiguous orientation in the Yoplait yogurt commercial who refer to the product as "dating-the-masseuse good" not realize that a masseuse is always female? Or is that the point?
  
  
• Is it too much to ask that political TV spots tell me something — anything — about what concrete action the candidate would actually take on some matter of genuine importance?
  
  
• Is there any living creature more ridiculous-looking than a Chinese crested dog?
  
  
• Did we really need to know that Rod Stewart first thought about bedding Paris Hilton when she was only 14?
  
  
• Did we really need the mental picture of Rod Stewart bedding, well, anyone?
  
  
• Do kids still buy ice cream from the Good Humor man? And does he still sell those toasted almond bars that used to be my favorite?
  
  
• Does Nicole Kidman's ability to choose husbands totally suck, or what?
  
  
• Did anyone honestly predict that "Weird Al" Yankovic's career would last 25 years?
  
  
• When Bob Seger sang "America the Beautiful" before Game One of the World Series, was I the only one surprised that he was still alive?
  
  
• Does Seattle's new tourism tagline — Metronatural — mean that every guy in the Emerald City looks like Ryan Seacrest, and every woman has hairy underarms?
  
  
• Which is worse: Wesley Snipes's tax problems, or any of the so-called "films" he's made in the last four years?
  
  
• Could anything be less exciting than 330 West Virginians playing UNO?
  
  
• Do androids dream of electric sheep?