A list in Time saves nine... I mean, 100

People love lists. Which is why people keep compiling them.

In the latest paean to list-o-mania, Time Magazine's film critics, Richard Schickel and Richard Corliss (note to self: change name to "Richard" if you ever apply to be a film critic for Time), have released their list of the 100 greatest movies of all... well... Time.

You can review Corliss and Schickel's Hot 100 for yourself here.

The fun of such lists, of course, can be summarized in two questions: What were they thinking when they put [insert name of despised film here] on the list? and Why isn't [insert name of beloved film here] on the list? Below is a selection of films I would have inserted in the blanks in each of the above questions.

What were they thinking when they put [insert name of despised film here] on the list?

• Charade. Don't get me wrong; I love Stanley Donen's stylish, seriocomic take on Hitchcock. I actually bought the DVD release of the execrable Mark Wahlberg/Thandie Newton remake, The Truth About Charlie, just because a DVD of Charade was included as an extra. But one of the best 100 films of all time? Yikes.
  
• Drunken Master II. Corliss and Schickel must have been drunk when they chose this. As Jackie Chan's flicks go, it's a decent one, but I can name a half-dozen Asian action films more worthy.
  
• Finding Nemo. This isn't even Pixar's best film to date — Toy Story 2 is. Cute and cuddly (okay, squishy) do not a great film make.
  
• The Fly. Corliss says Schickel called his colleague's inclusion of David Cronenberg's gross-out horror flick "despicable." I concur.
  
• A Hard Day's Night. Richard Lester's slapdash musical comedy starring the Beatles was certainly influential. But inspiring someone to create the Monkees is not what I have in mind when I think of cinematic achievement.
  
• Miller's Crossing. If you have to have a Coen Brothers film on the list, it has to be Fargo.
  
• The Singing Detective. My argument here is less with the content of this BBC television miniseries — which, by the way, is brilliant — but with its inclusion on a list of great films. If this, why not Roots?
  
• Star Wars. Once again, Schickel and Corliss confuse influential and popular with great. Without doubt, one of the most imitated motion pictures of all time (usually badly — and five times now, badly imitated by its own director), but also horribly written, dreadfully (over)acted, derivative to the point of near-plagiarism, and directed with fists of ham. Not even a really good film, much less a truly great one.
  
• Talk to Her. Obviously, I'm not "her," because whatever Pedro Almodóvar was saying when he made this weird little picture, I didn't understand it. Or appreciate it.

Why isn't [insert name of beloved film here] on the list?

• Dark City. I agree with Roger Ebert, who touts Alex Proyas's freakish fever dream as one of the great films of the 1990s. Anyone who's seen it knows what Uncle Roger and I mean. Dark City was The Matrix before The Matrix.
  
• Fargo. See my comment about Miller's Crossing above. There's a reason why Fargo made two of the AFI's top 100 lists: great thrillers, and great comedies. It's two great films in one.
  
• The Maltese Falcon. Defined film noir as much as any other film that made the list.
  
• The Miracle of Morgan's Creek or Sullivan's Travels. Any list of 100 greatest films that doesn't have either of Preston Sturges's classic satires on it comes up short.
  
• Raise the Red Lantern. I rarely learn as much from a film as I learned from Zhang Yimou's spectacular vision. Gong Li delivers one of the finest performances ever by an actress in one of the loveliest films to behold.
  
• Seven Samurai. Kurosawa. Most frequently remade film ever. Hello? A film that belongs, not just in the top 100, but the top five.
  
• Spirited Away. If you can shoehorn Finding Nemo onto the list, there's no excuse for not including Hayao Miyazaki's poignant animated masterpiece.
  
• The Usual Suspects. Best American movie of the last decade, hands down.