I wish that I had Jesse's girl

Does it seem right to you that Sandra Bullock just married the creepy, tattoo-laden motorcycle mechanic from Monster Garage?

Me either. As Elton John once sang, "I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford."

I'm not exactly sure what the charming and attractive Ms. Bullock sees in Jesse James, aside from the fact that he's named after a famous bank robber (to whom the latter-day Jesse claims to be distantly related). Yet, there they are, husband and wife.

But then, I never understood Heather Locklear and Tommy Lee. Or Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen. Or Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. (No, wait, I understand that one — they're both mad as hatters.)

The original Jesse James, incidentally, had this to say upon the occasion of his April 1874 marriage to his cousin Zerelda Amanda Mimms:

We had been engaged for nine years, and not withstanding the lies told upon me and the crimes laid at my door, her devotion to me has never wavered for a moment. You can say that both of us married for love, and there cannot be any sort of doubt about our marriage being a happy one.

May it ever be so for Jesse II and his Miss Congeniality.