Not just a river in Egypt

Former Congressman Gary Condit states in a sworn deposition that his relationship with Chandra Levy (forgotten about her, had you?) was nothing more than a platonic friendship.

I believe this is the point in the story when Wayne Campbell might claim that monkeys would fly out of his nether orifice.

Sounds to me as though Mr. Condit has forgotten the lesson of "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." When will politicians learn that confession is good for the soul? The American people, bless their fuzzy little hearts, will forgive pretty near anything if the offender will simply allocute to the crime.

On a related note, I had the dreadful misfortune of living for nearly two years in Mr. Condit's home town of Ceres, California. During the time I was there, the shabby hamlet's chief distinction lay in being the home of the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

I don't know whether Condit did or didn't have an affair with Chandra Levy — were I a betting man, my money would be on "did." I don't know whether Condit did or didn't have anything to do with Chandra's murder — were I a betting man, my money would be on "didn't."

But this I know: When your burg's two leading citizens are a vehement racist and Gary Condit, and you share a city limit with the home of Scott Peterson, that's a reasonably strong claim to "armpit of the universe" status.